Anger without showing

It has become an everyday occurrence now, sometimes many times a day that my 5 year old son tells me he misses his grandpa. It is good that he has memories of my father and that they are good memories, but it makes me even more angry with my father that his selfishness/sickness is making my son suffer. A few months ago my son and I were painting his night stands and I said “Do you want a lamp or anything on your night stands beside your bed? His response was he wanted some pictures. “So who do you want pictures of?” he replied “Papaw, cause i really miss him”. He will sit with me in the chair and randomly tell me he misses his papaw, and almost every night as I am putting him to bed he will tell me the same.

I am sure that death to a 5 year old is quite confusing, with us one day and then never to be seen again in pictures, granted my son has killed 30+ fish in the short time he had a fish tank in his room, so he does understand the meaning of life in those terms. He will sometimes ask “When is papaw going to come back alive”, last night the question was “how does papaw eat?” With all that I do to cope, i don’t show my anger toward my father in front of my son, I save those for my venting sessions with my wife, mother and friends. I don’t want him to know the bad side to his grandpa, he doesn’t know what alcohol is at this time, all he knows was that his “papaw was really sick”. The last month of my father’s life I would take my son to see him, to try to make him realize there was something to live for that maybe he should go to the hospital, even though I think my father knew at that time it was way too late, so my son has the last memories of him being really sick, not able to get up from the bed, and crying out for us from the bed.

It has been 11 months today since my father passed away. I thought my anger would subside, but in reality it is just getting worse. I have his belongings all around me, my home, my car and in my office at work. I am proud of some of his accomplishments, but there are so many things I am greatly ashamed of. I get tired of wearing a positive face sometimes, but I know for my son I must keep that persona up, I don’t want him to think of my father as the selfish person that he really was.

On another note, I am not one to believe in ghosts, I have always had an interest in the paranormal but never thought it would be something that comes around me, we have had some interesting things happen around my son and in our home that I will talk about at another time. Thoughts? Opinions?

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One thought on “Anger without showing

  1. I know the feeling all too well. Except my mother is still alive, she is just slowly killing herself with her lifestyle, she has absolutely very little joy in anything, including my daughter. It makes me so angry, and hurt . And it feels so unfair, especially when I look around and you must to, and see other kids with their grandparents . I just don’t understand why my mother doesn’t want to invest the time I my daughter and helpHer grow.
    I thought when she came into the world things would be different, as I’m sure you did with your father. The thing is I cannot change my mother and you could not change your father no matter how hard we try .
    You say you’re getting more and more angry, and that is normal. It is part of healing.
    In reference to your comment yesterday about children of alcoholics. You should be very proud of yourself that you do not drink. The statistics are, children of alcoholics, will either become an alcoholic/abuse alcohol, marry an alcoholic, or not drink it all./minimal. You are one of the lucky ones who fall into the last category,.

    Liked by 1 person

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