Alone

With the exception of my wife and my son I feel very alone. Sometimes I feel completely alone. The relationship with my mother has dwindled, my family on my dad’s side has basically forgotten about me, with the exception of a few that think I might give them some money. I am OK with dealing with things on my own, but sometimes it would be nice to have someone to vent to. The past 6 months have been rocky on all accounts, I found out my mother has a boyfriend which is fine, she needs to be happy after the marriage she came from, but I feel as though my son and I have been replaced. She purchased a new house which he is fixing up for her (with her $$ of course). I have yet to meet the guy, its all kinda secretive to be honest. I have had the talk with her that she needs to have more to do with her grandson instead of the boyfriend, he is her blood, she will only have 1 grandchild, she shouldn’t miss the opportunity to watch him grow up. After her knowing my anger with my father since he won’t get to watch him grow up, you would think that she would know my thoughts on that subject and try harder. I admit that I have become quite distant in the past few months, its hard not to when you feel abandoned. I get a phone call most evenings from her, unless she is on a trip with him, then we might get a few text messages and that’s about it.

May 6th will be 1 year since my father passed away, and I have invited her to my son’s t-ball game, i thought it would be a good way to help keep her mind off of things, enjoy her grandson a little bit and spend some time with my family. When asking her its like she is on a schedule, almost like I am using her time which she could be using for other things. My mother and I were always close, we were all each other had while i was growing up, she was 19 when she had me so basically we were both kids. She was married for 37 years which I don’t know why/how she stayed. She is one of the strongest, yet weakest people I’ve ever met. Strong for dealing with what we did, but weak at the same time for allowing herself to stay in the situation that she did. She has very little family left, a sister who is sick, and 2 brothers that she doesn’t really communicate with. She still visits my grandma (my father’s mom) which is good, she takes her food and little gifts. I know my grandma has struggled since the passing of my father so it is good for her to know that someone still cares. I try calling, but usually my phone calls get ignored, so I have really stopped trying to reach out. I feel like I am rambling, but I am just trying to get everything out… haha I know it may sound gruff, but it is my feelings at the moment. I miss having my mother in my life, but I am her only child, really her only family and I don’t want us to be thrown on the back burner. Maybe I am a bad remembrance? My father and I share the same name, everyone said we sounded alike, have the same blue eyes… Is that too much to bear sometimes? I try to look at things from her perspective and not be so critical, but i don’t want to condone her actions to make them seem OK, because in reality they aren’t.

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2 thoughts on “Alone

  1. I understand that you are feeling abandoned and lost. I really don’t think that your mom want you to feel that way. Being a woman, and coming from A history of abuse women, and alcoholic families. I would like to share with you another way to look at this.
    If your mother was 19 when she had you, and then stayed married to an alcoholic for 37 years, she didn’t Really have much time to grow up herself. This sounds like it’s the first time in 37 years that your mother has been free. Free to do what she wants when she wants. And I know that might sound a little selfish, but give her the chance to be a little selfish. It sounds like she might deserve it. She also might have a hard time dealing with your anger. Being a mom, I could see how she might feel that it’s a reflection on the things that she did wrong. Like maybe pulling you in her out of that situation.
    She sounds like she is a great woman and did a great job raising you, I am sure she’s gonna want to be in her grandsons life.

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    1. I agree with that, she never had a childhood, her and I grew up together basically, and not in good circumstances. I don’t push my anger on her, I kinda keep it bottled up more than anything, I have encouraged her to be selfish, take trips, do things she enjoys. I am not being defensive, just always trying to do the right thing if that makes sense. I want nothing more than her to be happy and I have told her that and she knows that. Maybe at the same time, I want to be alittle selfish too if that makes sense.

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