being a son

Being a son, being an only child you naturally think there is nothing like your parent’s. Even growing up I always realized how smart my father was, he was extremely intelligent, very good at his job, great with his employee’s. My mother and I always joked that we wished he treated us as good as his employee’s. I know he had a stressful job, but that’s where his intelligence baffles me. He was too smart to lead the lifestyle he did. I understand that sometimes socially he would have to go hang out with “the guys” and I’m sure he drank more than he should. He could never learn the disconnect between leaving work at work, home was not work and we were not his employee’s. I get a note every now and then from family saying “Your dad loved you very much” “Your dad was so proud of you”. Sorry I never saw it…. Nothing was ever good enough, I was never smarter than him (Which I am not), but I give him this… I learned how to treat my family… I love my son, I tell him that every chance I get, I love my wife, i tell her that more now than I used to, like I said, I have learned a lot of lessons, even more so since his passing than i did being an observer of his lifestyle. I cringe when I go to their house and see his collection of alcohol that is still sitting in the same place, and I cringe when i look in the refrigerator outside and see that my mother is still living the same lifestyle she was before, maybe even worse than she did before. She was always one to have a glass or two of wine, but seems to me she has placed herself with a guy who lives the same type of lifestyle as my father. I hate this for her, she has been around it all her life, her father passed away due to alcohol addiction, and she lost a husband due to the same thing. You would think one would want to distance themselves from this type of lifestyle like I have. I want nothing to do with it for myself, but to each their own. She watched my dad die for 5 months… couldn’t eat, couldn’t walk, couldn’t communicate, would basically lay in bed and cry out for help. This disease took a person who was independently strong and crippled them to a helpless child… I still admire things that my father accomplished, but as a person I have lost more and more respect for him as time passes… I love my father don’t get me wrong… and I miss him… but at the same time, I am glad that my son doesn’t have to see that lifestyle…

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