Seems in the last year I have become a much different person, I am much more cynical, sarcastic and basically bullshit intolerant. I have trouble keeping contact with my family that constantly wants sympathy. We all have problems, there is no need to dwell on them, make the best of what you have. Which is kind of an oxymoron from how I feel i have become, but I do have the things in my life that are a positive, I have my family, my wife and son are my world… without them I don’t know how lost I would be exactly. I just spent 2 nights alone from them out of town for work, and I felt lost, like something was missing, if I hadn’t been busy i don’t know what I would have done to be honest.
I hate to say I have become heartless, because I know that isn’t the case at all, I still care about everyone in my life, but it gets hard to show it. Ever since Christmas when I found out things in my past that I didn’t know, I know I have been much more how would you say? Distant might be the word? I talk to my mother every day and text, I don’t really like to talk on the phone at all unless its my wife or son, even at work it seems that I search for a reason to get off the phone as soon as possible. Person to person interaction isn’t a problem, other than I sometimes feel myself being way to sarcastic, I try to not be so sarcastic because I know that can t urn people off, maybe that’s my coping mechanism and how I try to joke and show humor? My wife describes it as a dry sense of humor, which would have been a good way to describe how my father’s attitude was. The last thing i want is to have my father’s attitude because I know how hurtful it could really be to people, and on the inside of me I don’t honestly want to hurt anyone’s feelings, I just try to lighten the mood sometimes and I hope its just not taken the wrong way.
Being a parent as difficult as it may be is a blessing because it is a distraction from the pains of every day life. Even though that comes with many headache’s of its own “i.e. Notes from teachers” I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I feel like I am rambling again, I am sitting in a car with 3 co workers after a work function, they are all 3 great people, but I feel like i needed a little bit of reflection time, I still struggle with how exactly I should try to type about my childhood to try to pull details, like someone said before maybe that isn’t a good idea that I should leave it alone, but I do want to know, I want to know what was entailed in my childhood, I remember so many spotty things, but have trouble filling in the gaps.