I have been pretty quiet lately, between allergies and my constant racing mind I have kinda went into seclusion. While talking to my wife about a friend yesterday I have discovered, which I already kinda knew that I live in a constant state of paranoia. I lay in bed at night with my mind racing, reliving things from my past whether 20 years ago or 6 months ago enough to let it drive me half crazy and just sit there and wonder and think the worst. I wish it were an easy fix to just turn it off and go about my day like there is nothing lingering on my mind, but even with my dose of celexa, there is nothing to completely turn my mind off.
I have always had a mind that has wandered or is constantly moving, kinda sporadic would be the term i’ll use. I will be sitting at home something on my mind, pick my phone up to look something up and by the time i get to the browser I have completely turned to something else and most time I completely forget what exactly I was going to look up in the first place. This is also something that drives me completely crazy as I can’t stand to have something in my mind and forget it so I will try to back trace my steps to remember what it was that brought up whatever it was that I wanted to look up in the first place. I would say 50% of the time I can recreate what it was I was looking for and kinda go back to that task faster so that my mind doesn’t go onto the next subject like normal.
When I lay in bed, I sit and think about my father a lot, how things could have been different, my anger towards him and the sadness I have since he is missing out on my son. I worry about losing my wife, that maybe she will find someone better than me, I blame this partially on social media and the society we live in. Seems as though people that get married now don’t truly absorb the true meaning of marriage. When I got married I told her, this is the only time in my life I am going to do this, and I was serious, unless we had a vowel renewal or something special. I see so many people in both of our lives going thru divorces and it does scare me, seems most times its a reconnection with someone via social media that seems to start this process. Social media can be such a good tool, but at the same time, I hate to see the lives that it has ruined. It is a constant tool if you aren’t happy, there is always someone who can console you, even if that person may be married too. I know I have never been perfect, I am the first to admit its nice to be flirted with sometimes, but I have always been faithful to my wife and always will be, I have seen the hurt that infidelity can cause on a person and I would never do that to her. I hate that my mind wanders to that, but its just one of the things I can’t seem to get out of my mind whatsoever. It would be wonderful if you could flip a switch to turn off your thought process when it is bedtime, get good rest, no crazy dreams just pure rest.
For the last week or so I feel like I have been in a fog, just kinda walking through life, I have been rather busy and productive at work, but its more like I am just going through the motions more so than using my mind. I know I will have a huge challenge at work coming up, so maybe that has my mind in another place. We will see how that works out, I am being put into a hard place, I am hoping that it is because my bosses have confidence that I could resolve issues.