Summer begins…

My wife left for her work assignment today, I don’t know how married couples work jobs like this… being apart for significant periods of time, she just left this morning and I already just have a bad feeling about her being gone… My paranoia definitely doesn’t help in this situation that’s for sure… Thank goodness i have my son with me or I would I would really go crazy…

Maybe my past relationships help contribute to it, even back to high school every girlfriend I ever had cheated on me, so when I met my wife I guess I always just figured it would happen at some point. I hope I am wrong, but my mind always wanders and always thinks for the worst. We have been together for 10 years and she is a beautiful lady and I am sure she gets flirted with especially since nobody seems to care about what marriage means anymore, seems most people could care less about you being married. I told my wife when we got married I was only doing this once and that is a true statement, and as long as she wants me I am not going anywhere, I guess that is something I definitely didn’t get from my father, sure he was married to my mother for 37 years, but I know he didn’t take his vowels seriously. I did!!! Funny this week I actually found the audio from our marriage, since we got married in vegas of course you get a cd copy of your vowels 🙂 I feel a lot of regret over this, my father didn’t speak to us for al most a year because we chose to get married away and not make it a big deal, I regret that my wife and I never had a true engagement process, we just kinda said… hey lets get married the next time we go to Vegas and we did, I regret not making it more about her because she deserves it, big dress a day made about her, I felt like we did it on a budget, which we kinda did… but maybe later in life we can do it better… for her sake what she deserves… as long as she keeps me that is.

In the past 6 months or so I have made myself so vulnerable, I never really showed my true feelings, which i also regretted, but I have always been kinda guarded. We had a difficult period back in October, but after that I decided to make sure she knows my true feelings all the time. I do Love her and she deserves to know that, not just in gifts that I may get but thru affection from me. Maybe she looked for that in other places where she wasn’t getting it from home? I am sorry to her that for the first 9 years I didn’t know how to show my love, I hope that I am doing better. 

I hate that I grew up not knowing how to really love. 

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