Paranoia x 2

How many others are consumed by paranoia? Lately I just can’t seem to break it at all. I am constantly worried about all aspects of life. I have added responsibilities at work so I am worried with that, home life has left me worried, not that anything is wrong there just the constant reminder that something could happen. Sometimes it would be good to have a slow down or a small reset. I work then I go home, a constant pattern which I do like things in a routine or a pattern but I think I might need a break from the pattern.

I asked my son the other night if he had talked to his Papaw (who passed away a little over a year ago), he told me Yes. I said well what has he said… “He misses me, He misses you and he misses Mamaw”. I don’t downplay these things because I do believe the other side can communicate sometimes. I still see signs from my grandpa from time to time, and I swear when I have a fire in my backyard, when the smoke swirls that’s my dad. I have no idea what made me think that in the first place, but when I see it, that’s where my mind goes every single time. My anger with him seems to diminish somewhat of late. I still am angry at what he put my mother through, I am angry that his selfishness took him away from his grandson. My mother is moving out of their house and it has been kind of tough… I never envisioned them moving away from there, and now she keeps telling me she wants me to take this and that, she took all the pictures off the wall, I don’t know how I am going to handle all of these things being gone when I go back there. It was as she said a “shrine” to him, and this is true, it was all of his accomplishments either personal or work related. Even the actual pictures themselves were pictures that related to his profession.

I still struggle to cope with everything going on, I don’t really open up to anyone including my wife, I don’t want to come off as “weak”. I guess thats one thing that stood out to me that my father always said “Women don’t like a weak man” Come to find out, he was really talking about himself…


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