Hustle

It has been a while since I have just sat and thought of things lately… Not that they haven’t weighed heavily on my mind. As I said previously this summer was going to be challenging, and that it has. My wife is on week 4 of her 9 week assignment in Florida, so our son has been my primary responsibility, we have been very busy with t-ball, camps and many other things. I am proud to say that 2 weekends ago he and i started going to a local church and he really seems to enjoy it. I grew up in a small country Baptist church and this new church is very casual and contemporary so it is going to take some getting used to, but I think being in church will be good for all of us. It is so tough having my wife away not only because of her son, but I just miss the person I can sit and talk to and confide in, and the piece of my mind that worries is working overtime as she is gone and I sometimes don’t know how to cope. I have been given more responsibility at work as I have 8 employee’s under my care, so I am learning how to adapt to management instead of just being a worker bee. I am hoping that going to church will help my mind start to rid itself of the anger for my father that is still lingering. I have noticed in the past few weeks that this anger not only resides with him, but the whole side of my family that knew his true past and never told me, and acted like he was the greatest thing on Earth. Funny how when people are benefiting financially from someone that things are swept under the rug. This isn’t going to fly with me anymore. I am done with people making excuses, especially when it results in people being hurt. I was driving to the airport Friday evening to pick up my wife with my son in the back seat playing a game on his tablet when he out of the blue says… I don’t know why papaw wanted to play this game but I won him a fish, he likes to fish he used to take me fishing… I immediately got goosebumps, it was one of those moments that happens every now and then with him like my father is talking to him, telling him what to do or say. Do people with our past always have trouble turning our minds off? I am on a dose of Celexa and that definitely helps take the edge off, but most times when I lay down to go to sleep I sit there and just think about things with my father, think about other things in my personal life that have happened, most of this is constant worrying. I worry about being alone, I worry about my mother’s well being, I worry about my son, whether I am doing OK raising him. i worry about my wife working out of town, and always worry about her falling in love with someone other than me. I used to never worry about that, I always thought she was the one for me, but she is beautiful and she is sweet, at the same time she thrives for the approval of others, especially men, no thanks to a father that she grew up with who had many issues that has molded her this way. It is amazing how an individual can warp your way of living, without you even noticing it. I know she didn’t realize it until the past year or so, and I don’t know how to respond to it. Society today tends to be nothing more than self gratification and social arrogance. I see people on social media all the time trying to show how great they are, when in fact you know deep down they are more miserable than I am. It is such a great tool to keep up with people in your life, but at the same time I hate to know how many lives it has destroyed!

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